Monday, July 30, 2007

Was it just a dream?

I dreamed of life the way it used to be last night. My family was together having fun, laughing and i even believe a little bit of singing. Aunt Leslie was there loving and hugging everyone. Uncle John was cheering for the Gators. My mind is starting to play tricks on me. Just when I think I am through thinking of it, I come right back into the middle of it.

We went to my brother's new lake house this past weekend and it is so nice. A very steep walk to the lake, but a nice place to be as a family. Lauren had the best time swimming with Uncle David in the lake. David, Dad, and Blake all went fishing and caught some fish. They promptly returned them to the lake as we were not prepared to cook anything up at the new house.

Uncle David got his puppies (big dogs Anna and Jackson) in the lake and was teaching them to swim. A funny sight to see! We wrapped our long afternoon up around 6:30 and headed up to the house for some sandwiches and drinks. I think it hit me then that Aunt Leslie would not be there to join with us ever in celebrating and enjoying this new house or any of our or her accomplishments. It's not a sadness that is overwhelming any more, it's a sadness of missing her and who she was.

I think the sadness is still so overwhelming because we still don't know how Rachel is handling it all. She's been busy taking care of so many details and planning and repairing things that she hasn't really let it all sink in. I am praying for her, Ken and Donya and I know God is taking care of them.

Now I wait for my heart to heal and the joy to return. I know life will go on and that we will carry Aunt Leslie and Uncle John in our hearts forever. I am just so sad still and I really miss her.

Monday, July 23, 2007

Beautiful and Sunny

It is amazingly beautiful outside today. The sun is out, it's hot, but not quite a million degrees. I'm thinking that today is a day for sidewalk chalk. Time to let Lala out of this house to get out some creativity and energy. She's seen more movies than I care to admit and so she needs to get back to the outdoors and playing. The yard is a bit high, but will be remedied when her daddy gets home from work.

Summer is coming to a close too quickly and I desperately want to work on spending good quality time with Lala. So, for a few days, my posts may be shorter or not at all, but no worries because I'm having a great time with my girl and we'll be back.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

My Heart is Torn

In Loving Memory
Leslie Stallings Currie
(September 25, 1949 - July 5, 2007)

Casting Crowns - Praise you in this Storm

Chorus: And I'll praise you in this storm

and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

This song seems to sum up the struggle and heart break my family and I have been dealing with. I can't imagine what it would be like for someone who doesn't know God to deal with loss in the way we have. I am so emotionally empty that I don't know what to do. I think that I should be angry or sad or something, but I just can't seem to find any type of emotion, and that scares me. I cry at the drop of a hat, a picture, a familiar smell. And more.

I cry after talking to my family. I know that my Aunt Leslie would want me to be sad and deal with my pain, but I also know that she would tell me to go on and live my life with joy and happiness. She had a love for the Lord that was so apparent to everyone who met her. She made you feel like the only person in the room when she talked and/or looked at you. She made it a point to tell me she loved me everytime she saw me or left me. She went out of her way to make me (and all of my family) feel so loved. She had this amazing love for my cousin Rachel. I captured it once in a photograph. They are so beautiful and I still can't imagine that I won't see her again. I guess I just don't want to believe it.

I miss her. I miss her voice and silly faces. I miss the way she opened her eyes so that they could be seen in a photograph. I miss her nicknames and the way she loved Lala. Dollbaby. How wonderful was she? She was truly a great woman. I love her. I miss her. But I will make sure others know her and about her, especially Lala. I have so many great stories. I have the best family on earth and I know that once we get through this, we'll be ok. We will let Aunt Leslie live on. Our little ones will know all about her and we will make sure Rachel is lifted up and loved as much as possible. For we have much love to give and many wonderful memories to help us get through.

So, Aunt Leslie and Uncle John, rest in peace. We love you. We miss you. We will forever carry a piece of you in our hearts.